Close your eyes, and let your mind fall back to a time when you were happy, like really happy, excited, scared, but the scared part didn’t matter because the joy you felt was so grand that it seemed to black out the fear. Remember that moment? The moment when the stars line up just for you, all the doors and windows of possibility are flung open waiting for you to pick one, whichever one you want. You have worked so hard for this moment.
All the late nights, mascara tears, mind blowing arguments, slaps, nights alone, and feeling all alone even though he is laying in bed right next to you, yes all those moments, well right now they don’t matter, because all you can think about is… OH MY GOD my leg isn’t working. The golden sun turns black, it starts raining, and his white trash ex girlfriend walks into the church and you don’t know what is going on. Suddenly your eyes shoot open and you sit up, freaking out, but regaining your breath because you just realized is was a horrific nightmare of all the sweet and sour things that could happen on your wedding day.
No, don’t worry I am not engaged…yet, and no mom, that sex part, psh that was totally just my imagination… but no I am no where even near the alter; however, I am proud to say that I am in a pretty good relationship that has a definite future of the alter, but not for another five years at least!
But girls, you know how we are. We meet a guy, see a cute guy in math class, and suddenly the daydreams start, then the doodling, the nighttime dreams, that suddenly turn into nightmares. My greatest fear is needing to walk and not being able to because of my leg. Whether is be my wedding day, walking to class, defending a case in court (yes, I plan to be an ADA someday. for now, ha changes daily. I’m only 20, dreaming is still ok ;)), or simply getting up in the morning and walking to the bathroom. The fear of immobility scares me almost more than death itself.
I try not to think about it too much, and usually I am pretty good about it, but then these pesky dreams sneak into the back of my mind and then my paranoia kicks back in. What saves me? My friends. Sounds cheesy, but it is true. My best friend knows about my MS, but that is about it. I have two friends in my complex, but they don’t know. We hang out, eat pizza, talk about boys, and do homework. When these dreams slide into my mind, I can be sure that my friend will have my mind on something else before I can break down completely.
Now close your eyes again. What do you see? I see my friends and me at 8 AM Marine Corps workout complaining, or at Dutch Bros trying to hurry back to math class before the teacher notices we are missing, or just sitting in my living room in silence working on HW. In that moment, MS doesn’t exist.