Rebellious

Written by on February 26th, 2013 – 2 Comments

Since this is my first post on here, I guess I’ll start off with a bit of an introduction on myself and how I ended up becoming a blogger for this website.

I’m 19 years old, a Torontonian at heart, and  I have always grown up with a huge amount of passion and a thirst for life. I was a quite rebellious youngster (as any child would be) and I thought I was invincible, that nothing could stop me. When I entered high school, I was ready to rebel. I had started smoking pot regularly, smoking cigarettes religiously and drinking casually at fourteen years old. I really couldn’t tell you why, I have come from a good home (if not a little neglected) and I was pretty much a normal kid from the suburbs, except for my strange and overwhelming need to experiment and to test the limits of my body.

In May 2008 I had gone on a drinking binge with a couple of friends of friends on Saturday and I had woken up the next day (Sunday) with a really bad hangover, but other then that, I was in good shape. However, it was on Monday, around 7 AM, Where I had the urge to go to the bathroom that I realized I had reached that limit. I tried to get out of bed, but to no avail. My whole left side was paralyzed (The tip of my head to my toes). For a while, I thought my body was just temporarily asleep, and I tried to convince myself, this was normal, this does happen to people, everything is going to be okay. However, after a couple of minutes of trying to crawl my way to the bathroom, the numb-tingling feeling did not go away, and I peed my pants. I started crying, out of pity for myself, and looking at the mirror in front of me, I realized my tears were only coming out of my right eye. I screamed for my mom in a very slurred voice, and  she, who was fed up with my rebellious fits,  did not believe me. She thought I was putting up an act, to avoid going to school and she told me to get in the car so she could drive me. I told her I couldn’t walk, much less go to school and she replied that I should just go to the walk-in clinic after school. Looking back, I don’t blame my mother, back in her country, Multiple Sclerosis is simply unheard of.

It was when I crawled to the stairs and I fell all the way down, when she realized something was indeed wrong. She took me to the walk in clinic where the doctor informed us he had never seen a 14 year old girl paralyzed before (much to my luck) and told us to go to the emergency section at my local hospital as soon as possible. Two hours of lot of crying and moaning later, I had just finished my cat scan and was on an ambulance to Sick Kids Hospital. I was very confused. The doctor at my local hospital had said “the fatty covering in my nerves in my brain had  gotten damaged” and I thought it was due to bad diet, or something like that. I had regained feeling in my finger tips at 10:00 AM at my local hospital, and I had told the doctor there was no need to take me to sick kids, I was okay. He insisted otherwise, and I was scared.

It was at sick kids, where I was given the news that I had remitting-relapsing multiple sclerosis. I was completely in shock, I apparently had pre-existing lesions but I could not recount once where I had an attack? I didn’t know what to believe. I googled multiple sclerosis a few days later when I  was released and then bawled for a good few hours. I was in denial and I was angry. I just wanted to be normal, why did this have to happen to me?

I must be honest, I didn’t handle the situation well at all, as soon as I was released from the hospital, I smoked pot on the school grounds and got suspended.

However now, five years later, I’ve come to deal with my dark passenger and the angst she brings to my life. The fatigue, numbness, mood swings, really, the whole package. I have not had an attack since, but I have had new lesions which have reminded me that she is still very much there.

My mother is much more supportive now, and she praises my disease, if not for it, I would have been on a much darker path and she would stay clueless. I try to see where she is coming from, but sometimes I just can’t. I’m not in denial of my MS anymore, but I am not open otherwise. I don’t tell people unless they are close to me, and even then it is with some hesitation. My MS has become a personal type of thing to me, something I would like to keep hidden, if possible. I do not smoke nor drink anymore, and I appreciate the sober life very much since it helps me keep a clear head.

My MS has helped me become much more thankful for life and what it has to offer, and I still believe  in experimentation, but not of drugs but more of opportunities. To live  each day like your last, and to experience all that life has to offer! I’ve realized that drugs is not the only way to accomplish that, and for that I am thankful.

I do not know when my next attack will be, or when my dark passenger will make another grand entrance, but I am ready.

2 Responses

  1. danben says:

    That was quite the introductory first post firmbeliever, I could totally relate to what you initially went through and the hardships that followed.Just wanna say I am so glad you gave up the drinking and drugs, a clear mind is a healthy mind. I was 30 years old when the dark passenger arrived and I tried to ignore it but couldn’t sustain the awful symptoms over time.When I was diagnosed with progressive M.S. I too was in shock and denial, 6 years later I am wheelchair bound and like you I am thankful for life, it takes what feels like the bottom to appreciate the top(above ground). Keep positive I say as I wheel to the bathroom what feels like the hundredth time today haha.

  2. F.U.MS says:

    Wow. Good job firmbeliever! Great post. All of us with MS have gone through so much and it’s great to have you come and share your story. Your story brought me back to my early days of MS. I was 24 and felt invincible as well. I was lucky I had high school behind me at that point though. That would have sucked. I’m happy to say my needles are working and I haven’t had a relapse in a long time. Stay strong and good to have you here.

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