MS: You are an unwanted, cruel and cunning companion

Written by on November 6th, 2012 – 7 Comments

I have MS and it still sounds odd to say. I believe it missed the memo on me. The one that said, “Himani is in the prime of her life. Stay away.”  MS didn’t stay away. I’m a Toronto journalist, who despite a few setbacks, is determined to pen my perfect future.

In November 2004 I woke fully blind in my left eye. The night before, I had signed off on a cover feature with one of the top international news magazines and was at an all-time high. I also believed myself to be indestructible and wouldn’t let anything slow me down. So, I continued on with my day and drove to my job as a reporter with a daily paper in the city. I was healthy and strong and certain this vision loss was minor. But apparently it wasn’t. I was diagnosed with MS four months later.

Aside from having to deal with how wrong I was about being all right, I had to deal with frequent blindness and gradual numbing in my limbs. I was destroyed in having to live with the shameless dictatorship it had over my body and grappled with its unpredictable nature. The only thing predictable about it is that it forever makes unreasonable demands of me. But, I don’t give in to anything.

It took me almost seven years and now, I’ve recovered control. I’m more conscious of its wants and needs and cognizant of what makes me vulnerable to its attacks.  Understanding MS, and understanding myself, I finally found the courage to fight.

“Anyone who excels in defeating his enemies triumphs before his enemy’s threat become real,” Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Adversity, to me, is a triumph in waiting.
I don’t live with MS, I live.

7 Responses

  1. sheri says:


    wow you have a great attitude -that will take you a long way in your fight to have a regular life. I was diagnosed in 2010 and still struggle with what i can handle. I am not working and that has been very hard to deal with, as i don’t have a purpose but your story inspires me.

    good for you and best of luck in your future.

    • Kat4me says:

      Sheri you have a purpose we all do,I know it’s hard I’ve had and have those days.I had to quit working 5 years ago and felt useless and like a leach almost because my husband was the only income.I thought one day I can work again,well I finally came to the point where no I will not work again!I gave in and applied for disability and was approved.Which solidified the fact that work is not an option.However volunteer work is,and looking after my family is as well.We are not useless and we all have purpose sometimes it’s just not the one you THINK it should be.Keep your head up girl!!You are not alone!

  2. Mel Clarke says:

    Himani, you truly are inspirational, I love how positive you are. So blessed to know you!

  3. Kat4me says:

    I love the “I don’t live with ms I live”.That definitely will help you in the long run!After almost 8 years I think I have taken control to do the best thing for me.Which is hard to do when you have children,I know now that if I look after me then I can better look after my family.Good luck,and life is what you make it!!

  4. Andrea says:

    You’ve always been a strong, beautiful woman, and I have been somewhat in awe of you ever since I got to know you way back when. I’m rooting for you all the way!

  5. Martin says:

    You are super brave and I hope and wish you the best. This disease is terrible and we need a cure. Until then, find yourself or grow a good Marijuana Sativa Strain and “vapourize” (not lighting with a flame but heating) the marijuana. You will feel a lot better.
    – Source – friends that have MS

  6. Mike says:

    Himani-I am glad that you a better conscious understanding of your MS….this is difficult for many of us to come to grips with.

    Keep up the battle.