So I must confess, watching Dexter as often as I do is what sparked this three part blog. I liked the idea of suspense :P.. I have been thinking a lot about who I am and who I will become-all the time forgetting that the only one who can change my course of life is me. I often give agency to others-I let other people’s experiences cloud how I picture my life developing, and this is probably because I just don’t want to face my reality and I would rather know how things will work out-even if it is based on someone else’s account. But the truth (the scariest thing for me to admit by the way) is that there is still a lot I don’t know. There is still a lot I have to discover-about myself, about my MS-and all I can do is try my best to take charge of what I can and stop worrying about the rest.
So readers, as I am sure you have already figured out, this is not the future of MS, it can be if this is the path you choose because ultimately who you tell and how you handle your disease is your choice. When I got to university and “got to adult care I used to have nightmares about this responsibility-it’s all on me. I let it haunt me, and I kept thinking “what if I mess it up? What if I do something wrong?”
It may be even less comforting to hear that I have messed up my fair share-and I am still alive and the world still spins. The thing about mistakes is they can be remedied. I think what I am getting at is that instead of being scared I now feel ready-ready to fail, ready to succeed, ready to face myself, and if I continue to face myself and continue to accept my reality (and accept that I can never know my future) then I don’t have to end up repressed or secretive or ashamed in some way of what I am and what I have-in fact I remain proud of who I am and how I have managed to allow MS into my life but not allow it to take over. I am stronger than this-and I hope you read this and it helps you to keep the same realization.
I think that’s enough from me on this topic. Thanks for reading!